Maintaining romantic relationships is no easy feat. Dr. Jason Whiting shares how philosophy can help.
Most people wouldn’t assume that philosophy and marriage and family therapy have anything to do with each other. Professor Jason Whiting from the School of Family Life felt the same way until he attended a conference about theoretical and philosophical psychology. He saw such a strong connection between his research focus and philosophy that he wrote a paper about applying relational philosophers to couples therapy. He presented his findings at the February 13, 2024, Philosophy Club meeting, where he discussed how philosophy can improve our romantic relationships.
Whiting attributed much of his lecture to philosopher Martin Buber’s relational models of I-It versus I-Thou. In this model, I-It functions as an inward-facing stance where someone views others as an object or a nuisance. I-Thou functions as an outward-facing stance where a person view others as people who have their own feelings, experiences, and opinions.
Whiting gave an example, saying, “If I’m at home and wanting to relax and do Wordle, but my kids are going crazy, then, if I’m in an I-Thou mode, I’m like, ‘Hey, my kids need some help, I need to see what’s going on.’ If I’m in I-It, I’m like, ‘These kids are a hassle and impairing my ability to relax and get the Wordle.’” While everyone experiences both stances every day, Whiting noted that focusing on shifting our perspectives to the I-Thou stance can improve our relationships with others.
Whiting has used this understanding to help couples in therapy learn to change the way they perceive each other. He also has found that this philosophical model helps him identify abusive relationships, as abusers tend to adopt an I-It stance more often than an I-Thou stance to rationalize their behavior.
Although Whiting is not a philosopher, the teachings of philosophers like Buber have informed his therapy career. Whiting paraphrased the teachings of Buddhist philosophy, saying, “You can’t really love something without this deep understanding.” In the same way, we cannot truly understand someone if we are preoccupied only with our own problems and issues. As we try to know people more fully, we can begin to adopt the I-Thou stance in our lives and improve our relationships with not only our romantic partners, but everyone else.
The Philosophy Club meets at 5 p.m. on Tuesdays. Learn more about their events.